Solutions Within Problems: Part Four
“When your feelings are screaming that you’ve had enough … override that emotion with concrete logic and willpower that says one thing: I don’t stop.” -- Jocko Willink, Retired Navy Seal Officer
Nobody likes the over-the-top motivational speaker. It’s a good thing that this quote doesn’t exactly come from one.
The last blog post went in detail on the best way of adapting to the things life throws at you -- allow yourself room in your schedule to adapt. What I didn’t explain, however, was how to push yourself to follow that schedule and not slack off.
Here’s the thing. A majority of today’s motivational speakers are all repeating the same thing. Usually it’s something along the lines of “Get up and GRIND from the moment you wake up to the moment you collapse. Only work. Don’t rest at all. Keep going. Go, go, go, go, go.”
Although sometimes this is exactly what we need, the human psyche can’t be moved forward by the same thing all the time. In order to work around this problem, most people set aside a lot of time to rest. This method works pretty well, and for people who want to blend in with the rest of society, it’s probably the way to go. And the truth is, there’s no shame in blending in. There’s no shame in not being a millionaire. Our culture has a bad habit of trying to convince everyone that if they aren’t rich, they’re failing. It’s important to understand that this isn’t true for everyone.
That being said, some people desperately want to stand out from their peers. Some people desperately want to be noticed by people they look up to, and some people desperately want to become a millionaire. In order to truly stand out from all your peers, you need to change your mindset into something that allows you to work all day for almost every day of the week, allowing one or two days for you to rest and recover. But yes, you still need to rest. Otherwise your body will burn out. Don't try to convince yourself otherwise.
In order to go all day for five or six days of the week, you need to form two sides of your mind: emotion and logic. Jocko Willink sums it up beautifully in the quote at the top of this article. The thing is, people burn out. It’s just what they do. They run out of motivation. First off, get rid of motivation. Allow yourself to understand that you’re not always going to be motivated to work. Replace motivation with discipline. Make yourself finish the task, even when you don't want to. When discipline runs out, use logic. The idea is to fuel yourself on emotion to work towards your goals, then use logic when your emotions can’t keep you going. By the time logic fails, it’s usually a bit easier to pick your emotions back up and tell yourself to keep working. Logic and Emotion both remind you that you can’t stop until your goal is reached.
Understanding how to use Emotion and Logic to drive yourself makes it easier for you to achieve your goals or, in this case, stick to your schedule. Then, as we know by now, your daily schedules (otherwise known as habits -- see past blog posts for details on those) slowly carry you towards success.
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What do you use to keep yourself disciplined? Do you reward yourself immediately after? Do you think about your end goal? Or do you try to find joy in what you’re doing? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to comment them down below! I’d also appreciate it if you liked this post and shared it with your friends and family -- they might thank you for sharing this information later on! Stay tuned for future blog posts every Monday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday, and try to be the reason someone smiles today :)
-- Chris
Solutions Within Problems: Part Three
“Under the comb, the tangle and the straight path are the same.” -- Heraclitus
This quote from the 500 BCE philosopher is still as important today as it was about 2,517 years ago. Why? What does it even mean? I can already imagine what some people may think -- “Things are a lot harder now you know, it wouldn’t make sense for that to still apply.”
The truth is, this quote is more important than ever in our world of information overload. A big problem in society today is that people have a tendency to overthink every single little step of a plan they have to do every little thing throughout their day. Eventually, their daily schedules go from something like “Wake up, go to work, come home, relax, read, eat, and sleep” to something more along the lines of “Wake up at this precise time so that you can eat the right food for your body. Then you need to plan your day out in 15 minute increments. After that you’re going to drive to work, taking this exact course, doing these exact movements, and start working at this precise time…” I’m sure you can imagine how the rest of that day looks. However, there have been times in the past where I’ve actually advised a strict schedule. Recently, I’ve actually written about habits, how to make them, and how to break them. That’s no simple task, because it requires you to rigorously plan out your courses of action. So why would I contradict myself?
The truth is, rigorous planning is amazing. It’s also impressive that we have the capability of doing it -- you don’t see any animals writing in a book about what they’re going to do that day. However, the thing that brings rigorous planning from ideal to catastrophic is the fact that people also have the capability to make mistakes. Maybe your plan for the day really is so strict that you already know what you’ll be doing and where you’ll be every 15 minutes. That’s great until you run into traffic on the way to work. One tiny little accident could put you slightly off schedule, and being slightly off schedule can ruin your whole day if you let it.
The number one way to combat life from throwing you off schedule is to create a schedule that’s simple enough that you can switch it around. This way, one little mistake won’t ruin your whole day. It might inconvenience you, yes, but you’ll be able to adapt to your new circumstances, come up with a solution to get you back on track, and move on with your day.
Once people understand that loose and adaptive scheduling allows for screw ups and mistakes, they’ll be able to start making moves towards progress. It’s easier to make a hill when you don’t have to meticulously place each shovel full of dirt in a certain spot. When it comes to progress, it can even be better to make the wrong decision than no decision at all -- because at least then you’re getting more experience than the person frozen in one spot because of fear. Taking a step that’s a little to the left of where you’re trying to go is better than taking no steps at all, because things will correct themselves along the way. I think you get the idea now; trial and error is better than nothing. So start taking steps and trying.
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What are your thoughts on the subject? How do you plan for your day? Is there anything you do that provides structure to your life as a result of you doing it every day? I’d love to hear what you have to say -- your words matter too! Feel free to share this article on social media; someone you know might use the information on it. Stay tuned for future blog posts every Monday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday, and try to be the reason someone smiles today :)
-- Chris
Solutions Within Problems: Part Two
“The trick to forgetting the big picture is to look at everything close up.” -- Chuck Palahniuk, Freelance Journalist, American author, and Author of Fight Club
Today’s society has something that jumbles everything up and causes panic, fear, anxiety, and overall unhappiness. That something is Media. Television, the internet, the news, phones, laptops, tablets, different branding, advertisements, huge billboards to look at while we’re driving, radios, even other people who won’t stop talking about a product or brand. We’re constantly bombarded with an excess of information, and it breeds fear. People will begin worrying about what’s happening in celebrities' personal lives or what their favorite brand is going to release next (There are some things that we all should worry about and unite for or against, but this blog isn’t about politics). The result? People lose track of what’s going on right in front of their face. They begin to worry so much about other people and things that they forget to worry about the things that are happening in their own personal lives. Suddenly those things build up. The bills suddenly stack up, work becomes too difficult, family members become too stressful to be around. Things become difficult.
The number one way to combat this is to live in the moment. No, I don’t mean love the moment you’re in. I mean be present in the moment and your surroundings. Don’t think about that embarrassing thing you did in highschool when you’re at work; think about how to get your job done quickly and efficiently. Don’t think about your job when you’re spending time with family; think about the conversation you’re having with them and how you can bond with them. Eventually things will become so mixed up that you start thinking about everything BUT what’s right in front of you, and you never catch up.
The best way to get yourself back into the moment is to promise yourself to think about your problems later, during a time you specifically set aside to reflect and react to your problems. That way your mind will understand that you hear what it’s telling you, and instead will focus on the job that needs to get done in the present moment. This is why it’s important to give yourself alone time to meditate and just think. You’re essentially teaching your mind how to do good time management.
After you spend time thinking about your problems, you need to come up with a general plan of action. It’s important to not get into too much detail, because then you’ll start stressing yourself out even more than you were in the first place. Coming up with a plan of action helps because then you have an end goal and you know what you’re working towards, even when you’re in stressful situations. In fact, some people even write down their plans of action so that they remember what they came up with to combat their problems.
The second steps in changing your negatives into positives go as follows: learn to live in the moment, but set aside time to prepare yourself for action. These steps allow for clarity in thought, and that’s the best thing to have for yourself when everything around you seems like it’s crashing down.
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How do you combat stress? Do you meditate? Talk about it with others? Or do you write down your thoughts? I’d love to hear different approaches to mental clarity; the possibilities are vast and endless. Feel free to let me know in the comments down below. It would also help me out quite a bit if you shared this with your friends and family on social media. They might find this information useful! Stay tuned for future blog posts every Monday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday around noon, and try to be the reason someone smiles today.
-- Chris
Solutions Within Problems: Part One
“The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.”
-- Marcus Aurelius, last of the Five Good Emperors of Rome
Many people hear quotes like this one and assume that it’s invalidating their feelings, or telling them to “just suck it up.” Although sometimes this is true, it isn’t what this quote embodies. Instead, this quote is encouraging people to flip the obstacles in their lives upside down and use them to build a ladder towards success.
Let’s be honest. Everybody struggles. Everybody has something in their life that’s holding them back or limiting them in some way. Not just the anxious, depressed, socially awkward, angry, or lonely people, but the confident, charismatic, outgoing, happy, and popular people too. Everybody struggles. Although some things we simply can’t change, we can always change our mindset about any certain issue. This is the central idea to the philosophy of Stoicism.
Control of your issues starts with your perception on your issues. Past blog posts have gone in depth on how identity and mentality are the only things that can solidly change the outcomes of our actions, so it makes sense that control of your mindset can do the same. The first step in doing so is disciplining your perception on life. Form habits of trying to see the positives in everything; even the most negative issues. Maybe you lost a limb -- that just means you have one less thing to worry about training. Maybe you failed a math test -- at least it’s done and in the past now. Discipline in thought leads to discipline in action. As a result, you’ll see more opportunities because you open up the possibilities of happiness. In other words, you can’t see positivity if you aren’t looking for it.
However, it’s not as simple as controlling your thoughts to be more positive. Ryan Holiday, author of “The Obstacle is the Way,” claims that it’s also absolutely crucial for you to control your nerves. You can’t genuinely change someone’s mind by raging and screaming in their face. You might be able to scare them into saying they agree with you, but the truth is that change comes from within. The same applies to the problems you have in your day to day life. You can’t get upset and suddenly make everything conform to your mindset. That being said, you can do the exact opposite to end up with the best possible outcome. It might not be exactly what you wanted it to be, but sometimes the things that are good for us aren’t the same as the things we want.
To summarize the first two steps in changing your negatives into positives: Shift your negative thoughts into positive thoughts using habit changing methods, then discipline your nerves and emotions so that they don’t make you stray from your path. As a result, you’ll achieve mental clarity and self respect, which then leads to overcoming obstacles.
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What do you think? How do you discipline your mindset into a tool that works for you instead of against you? I’d love to hear your thoughts, ideas, and opinions. I would also sincerely appreciate it if you shared this article with your friends and family, either directly or through social media. They could find it useful, and it also helps our community grow. Also, stay tuned for future blog posts every Monday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday around noon, and try to be the reason someone smiles today.
--Chris
Changing Identity: Part Five. How to Find Out What to do With Your Life.
“If you can’t find a game where the odds are stacked in your favor, create one.” -- James Clear, Atomic Habits
This quote alone can be enough to make you stick to your habits and succeed in everything -- including your own life.
Let’s be honest. You can’t be the best at everything. You can’t be the best worker that makes the most money while also having the most free time. No matter how much you want to have those things, time holds us back and puts most of us on equal ground. So how do we battle this issue? Well, let’s look at the time we have in a day. Assuming you’re getting enough sleep to properly heal your body, you’re sleeping 8 hours every night. That leaves 16 hours throughout the day. Most people spend around 8-10 hours a day actively working. That leaves us with 6-8 hours in our day that we can fill with whatever we want. But how do we choose what to fill it with?
James Clear has a process to help anybody find something productive that they could fill their time with. You simply ask yourself four questions, and if the answer to all of them is the same thing, then that’s the thing you want to spend your free time doing.
Question 1: “What feels like fun to me, but work to others?”
This question is to help you distinguish between things you enjoy doing and things you feel like you have to do even though you don’t like them. For example, I enjoy writing. This doesn’t feel like work to me -- it feels fun. I could spend all day doing it.
Question 2: “What makes me lose track of time?”
The purpose of this question is to make sure that you would be comfortable with practicing something all day to get better at it if you needed to. I’ll use the example of writing again. Let’s say I thought my quality in writing went down because I thought I didn’t need to try as hard. A willingness to practice all day and losing track of time in doing so would result in higher quality of writing, but I won’t feel drained after doing it.
Question 3: “Where do I get greater returns than the average person?”
This question is pretty self explanatory, but people have a tendency to assume that “returns” means money. Although yes, this can be true, it’s more important for you to feel satisfied after you do whatever it is you’re putting time towards. Satisfaction as a reward comes before money when it comes to working.
Question 4: “What comes naturally to me?”
This question is as simple and upfront as it can be. Think about something you’re naturally good at or have a talent for. Not necessarily something you already know -- think about something that’s easy for you to learn. That way you won’t get confused as easily as the average person when you do it.
Your ideal ways of living should involve something that answers all four of those questions. However, there are some exceptions to this rule. Maybe the thing you answered those questions with isn’t something you can build your life around. Although these positions are certainly challenging, they hold the most potential. Why? Because you can make a whole new field of work that has absolutely no competition because nobody else has thought of it. Whatever you answered those questions with is your calling, and I encourage you to pursue it even though it might be scary.
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What are your thoughts? What other processes of elimination do you use to determine what to do with your free time? I want to hear your thoughts! Also, consider following this blog, liking it, checking out other posts and sharing them with your friends -- they could find it useful and I would sincerely appreciate it. Stay tuned for future blog posts every Monday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday around noon, and try to be the reason someone smiles today :)
-- Chris
Changing Identity: Part Four
“Incentives can change a habit. Identity can change a habit.” -James Clear, Atomic Habits
This quote summarizes the idea behind the Four Laws of Behavioural Change: changing habits starts with changing your identity.
If you’ve been reading my past blog posts, you understand the first three laws of Behavioural Change. The fourth law, however, is the only one that most people know to do. As a result, they often skip over the first three and go straight to this one. Although it’s important, it must coexist with the other three laws simultaneously in order to help you maintain a habit. The Law? Simple -- make it satisfying. Not to be confused with making yourself crave a habit. The difference between the two is that craving a habit happens when you aren’t actively doing the task, while being satisfied happens while you’re actively engaging in whatever task you’re trying to make a habit of.
So how do we make a task satisfying? Well, the human brain gets a rush of happy hormones whenever we solve a problem. And what do we call ourselves when we solve a problem? Successful. We make a task satisfying by succeeding in completion of said task. As Clear puts it: “Whatever is immediately rewarded is repeated. What is immediately punished is avoided.” This is why the last three laws work so well together; they all contribute to making a task more manageable and in turn more satisfying. The Fourth Law puts the last nail in the coffin by making the task more satisfying instead of the reward.
Unfortunately, the fourth law isn’t something that happens overnight. In fact, it only happens after your brain begins to understand that you get rewarded whenever you complete a certain task. Eventually it blends the idea of the reward with the idea of the task to make the task feel like a reward in and of itself. It’s a tricky concept to understand, and it’s even trickier to accept that it’s not something that happens overnight. That’s why the other three steps are so important; they’re activating the brain's reward mechanism mechanically through the use of external rewards such as junk food or watching TV.
Now that you understand what it takes to make good habits and break bad ones, you can start making small moves to work towards success. You can get one percent better every day. In fact, that’s 37.78 times better over the course of one year assuming you stick to your habits every day. Humans at the top of the food chain for a reason: we’re really good at getting one percent better every day, adapting to new challenges, overcoming them, and repeating that cycle every moment we’re conscious. We evolved to be the best, and we still have the capability to do so.
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What are your thoughts? I’m interested in what you have to say! Feel free to comment your thoughts and ideas. I would also sincerely appreciate it if you shared this with your friends and family, because they might be able to use the information I’m sharing with you. Stay tuned for future blog posts on Monday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday, and try to be the reason someone smiles today :)
--Chris
Changing Identity: Part Three
“Walk slowly, but never backward.” -- James Clear, Atomic Habits
Unfortunately, quotes like this often go in one ear and out the other.
By this, I mean people usually know what they’re supposed to do, but they never do it because they’re too busy panicking about things. This problem shows up most often in students, who spend so much time panicking that they never actually get any work done. We know we have a problem, and we know how to solve it… so why don’t we?
Well, in order to understand this, we first must understand James Clear’s Third Law of Behavioural Change: Make it Easy. We already know that in order for a habit to start, there must be a cue, followed by a craving. The third step, as referenced in the last article, is to make a habit attractive; make it something you crave. We can apply tricks like rewarding ourselves with things we enjoy doing, but if the task is too hard to achieve we’ll simply skip that and go straight for the reward. For example: if you tell yourself you can only watch TV after 1000 pushups, you’ll realize you can just skip the pushups altogether. Lower the required number of pushups, however, and your mindset shifts to “Okay, well… I don’t like this task very much, but it is a fair trade to make with myself. I suppose I’ll do it.” This logic can be applied anywhere, with multiple different techniques of approach.
Alright, now we understand why we don’t solve our problem of over thinking. But how does that apply to making habits?
The answer is simple -- succeeding in the task instantly becomes more imaginable. The most important part of doing anything is simply to start, and now we know why it’s so important. As Clear says, “The most effective form of learning is practice, not planning.” The thing is, you probably already knew this and didn’t even realize it. Anybody that’s spent any amount of time learning how to play an instrument or learn a martial art knows this. In fact, anybody old enough to drive knows this -- you can spend all day reading and thinking about those things, but it’ll never be quite as good as actually doing them. Sure, thinking definitely helps, and it’s a crucial part of learning, but it’s the baby steps. Eventually you have to move on to bigger steps -- literally. Even babies stop crawling eventually.
To summarize, moving slowly is better than stopping and thinking about what moves to make. Even if you make mistakes on which way to move, you’re still learning about what NOT to do. That’s just as important as knowing what TO do.
I encourage you to start moving toward your goals just a little bit today. Take a break from thinking and start making moves by making the task easy.
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What makes things easier for you to do? What moves can you make to progress towards a goal you have? I’d absolutely love to hear your thoughts and ideas. Feel free to like, comment on, and SHARE my other posts that go more in depth on the other laws of behavioural change. You might find that information useful, and if you don’t then a friend or family member certainly will. Stay tuned for future blog posts, and try to be the reason someone smiles today
-- Chris
Changing Identity: Part Two
“The cause of your habits is actually the prediction that precedes them.” -- James Clear, Atomic Habits
When you take a step back and look at the process leading up to acting on an impulse, you realize that the satisfaction lies in the moments just before you actually get what you’re thinking about; not right when you get it.
In other words, we get more satisfaction out of wanting something than we do when getting something. The way the mind works is as follows: something triggers a craving (The first law of behaviour change), you let said craving sit for a while and build up (The second law), you respond to that craving (The third law), and then you get a reward (The fourth law). Since we understand that satisfaction lies in the craving and not the reward, we can begin to manipulate that desire to our own advantage and in turn change the reward to something more positive. But why does this matter when changing our habits?
The question above can be answered with another question: why would we have habits if they didn’t reward us in some way? People generally avoid doing certain things because they don’t see any immediate reward. Take exercise for example. It’s no lie that working out sucks. Nobody actually enjoys the act of working out unless they’ve already been doing it for a long time and have made it a part of their identity. The reason for this is that results aren’t immediately apparent in most cases. Sure, you could work out every day for a year and you would see plenty of results, but as stated before, results won't be visible overnight. Your mind craves a reward, and will stop at nothing to get some form of one. So how can we make this work to our advantage?
Well, let's think about the things you enjoy doing. That list probably involves surfing through YouTube or scrolling through social media, eating sweet foods, sleeping, and other things like that. In order to convince your primal mind that a habit is good even when results aren’t immediately visible, try rewarding yourself with a small bit of something you enjoy. Maybe you tell yourself that you can’t go on YouTube until after you’ve worked out for the day. Maybe you don’t let yourself eat any candy until you start working on the project you need to get done for school. I couldn’t tell you every instance that this would work, but I encourage you to think of different ways to use this method in order to successfully maintain positive habits.
At the end of the day, everybody wants to be fed, well rested, sheltered, and quenched of thirst. If you can find ways to reward your body with things that help you to fulfill those tasks, then reaching your daily goals is really just one step beyond that. No matter what you want to achieve, the first step is understanding how to train for success. Look at sports teams; they all have the same goal, but only some win because only some of them form good, strong habits. Although you might not be on a sports team, the main idea still applies: acting on your ambitions does more than hoping they'll show up overnight. Will you be one of the many people who lay in bed all day and think about success or their ambitions? Or will you be one of the few that acts on their ambitions and acts towards success? Now that you know where to start, you know how to decide. I wish you the best of luck.
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What do you think about reaching goals? What helps you get things done throughout the day? I’d love to read through your ideas in the comments. Contribute to your community by sharing this article with your friends and family! Maybe these articles are full of information you already know, but it never hurts to offer ideas to your peers. It also never hurts to leave a like. Stay tuned for future blog posts, and try to be the reason someone smiles today
--Chris
Changing Identity: Part One
“One of our greatest challenges in changing habits is maintaining awareness in what we are actually doing.’ -- James Clear, Atomic Habits
Now what does that mean?
This quote is leading up to an explanation of what Clear calls the First Law of Behaviour change -- Making it Obvious. In order for us to change our habits, we first have to understand what the “cue” for each of them is. For example, maybe someone has a counterproductive habit of spending too much time on their phone. In order to change that habit, that individual would have to understand why they go on their phone in the first place. Usually it’s out of boredom or loneliness; some people will even go on their phone when they’re in the middle of a huge crowd because they don’t know anybody there. There are several different approaches you can take to change a bad habit. The one I’ll be explaining is what Clear calls “point-and-calling.” The main idea to this approach is to point out what you’re doing and say that you’re doing it. However, you say it in the third person, as if you were watching someone else do it. This simple shift in perspective helps to shift your identity from someone with negative habits to someone with positive habits (see last blog post for a more in-depth explanation on that one).
The next step in this approach is to do what’s known as implementation of intention. This is a course of action you make in your head before your habit starts so that you’re ready when your body tries to act on it. For example, if you know that you’re going to take out your phone next time you feel bored or lonely, you could audibly say “When I feel these emotions, I’ll make a choice to do ______.” Then you can fill in the blank with something else that you would rather do instead, perhaps something more productive, or at the very least something less mind numbing. No matter what you do, the idea is to not act on the craving you feel for that action. As a result, you’ll start to feel like your goal is just slightly more achievable.
On top of implementation of intention, it’s important to make the cue “unobvious” if possible. There’s four laws of behaviour change, which I’ll speak about in future posts, but for right now it’s important to understand that removing any one of the four steps in the habit cycle will break a habit.
To summarize: repeated actions make up the outcomes we get. Therefore, changing these actions changes the outcome to whatever we’d like it to be. This realization is absolutely crucial in understanding how to change habits from positive to negative. Once we understand this, changing habits becomes much simpler and far more achievable.
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Did you enjoy reading this? If so, leave a comment on what you enjoyed or ask some questions. I would sincerely appreciate it if you liked and/or shared this with your friends. Also, feel free to check out the other blog posts I’ve made and leave comments on those as well! I’d love to hear your thoughts and ideas.
-- Chris
Our Habits Define Us
“Habits are the compound interest of self improvement.” -- James Clear, Atomic Habits
*record scratch* Let’s rewind, shall we?
You have an end goal for something. Maybe it’s losing weight. Maybe it’s setting aside a certain amount of money each month. Maybe it’s reading one book a week. It could even be something as simple as “Be a nicer person,” or “Become comfortable with saying no.” Whatever it is, you have one thing in common with billions of other people around the globe: you want to reach your goal. Sounds pretty simple, right? Well, there’s a little more to it than that. Although yes, it’s important for people to keep track of their goals, it’s more important for them to keep track of how they’re reaching their goals. This article is going to go a little more in depth on James Clear’s Atomic Habits in order to understand the fundamentals of making and breaking habits and in turn, reaching your end goal.
First thing’s first: what do most people do when they want to reach an end goal? They come up with one, then they start doing things that contribute to their goal, and then… they flop. Why is this? Why do people start a goal just to give up on it? Is it because they forgot about it? Or did they decide it just wasn’t for them? No. The truth is, people often expect success overnight, whether they realize it or not. To elaborate on that point; people expect to see progress overnight, which is a scaled down version of their end goal. Of course, it’s difficult to see things happen overnight because… well, because that’s not how things work. You don’t eat one salad and do an intense workout and end up losing 15 pounds overnight. However, if you do make it a habit of eating healthy and exercising every day, then you’ll eventually see progress.
The solution to this problem is quite simple: form new habits. Let’s elaborate on that one.
In order to form a habit, it’s important to switch your perspective from “I don’t see any progress yet” to something more like “The progress isn’t visible yet.” The difference between the two perspectives is that one of them assumes “well, since you can’t see any progress, it isn’t there.” The other, however, states that yes there is indeed progress, but it isn’t visible yet. In shifting your perspective from hopeless to hopeful, it becomes easier to maintain habits and in turn, reach your end goal.
Clear discusses this in his book quite a bit. In fact, he speaks of going as far as changing your identity into something that can achieve your goal. For example, he talks about someone who’s determined to be healthier but just can’t seem to do it. He goes on to explain that if the person changed their identity from “I want to be healthier” to “I am a healthy person who does these things to remain healthy,” then their ego would work with them to maintain their new identity.
A combination of an identity change and a shift in perspective are absolutely crucial in making and breaking habits. Being as identity and perspective are the two things that make up the spine of our very being, changing them changes who we are -- and we have the power to change those two things. It might not be easy, but it certainly is simple enough for you to achieve.
The Remedy of Self-Love
Have you ever been at a place in your life where things were messy?
Chances are what was going on outside was also going on inside. It's interesting to see the relationship our inner being has with our environment and vice versa. It's also why you feel better after you clean your house or organize.
Then there's also that pull of unpleasant desires we experience within ourselves that lead us to find things outside ourselves which might not always be the best way to fulfill the want we have within. Maybe it's feeling lonely and reaching for anyone to just acknowledge us. Perhaps it's stress, so we grab something out of the fridge in hopes of burying the feeling under a cascade of sweet tasting deliciousness.
The experiences come from within, yet we find ourselves looking to our environment and things outside ourselves to satisfy the wants we have. What if we took care of our needs and desires in a way that was fulfilling, beneficial, and helpful to our overall wellbeing? What if we filled our own cup, so then if we felt so inclined, we could step in and help someone else fill theirs?
Self-love isn't selfish, it's self-full. What I mean by this is that the ecology or the interaction of genuine self-love with others is one that's beneficial. When we take care of ourselves, we no longer find ourselves being a liability, but an asset. This is in regards not only to others, but to ourselves as well. Everyone benefits when we have ourselves in order.
If you feel your life is in disorder whether that's reflected internally, externally, or both, then what's the most loving thing you could do for yourself? If you looked at yourself as your own best friend and offered yourself advice, what would you say? We all know the answers internally, but sometimes we choose not to listen.
Now from the examples early, with regards to relationships and stress, understanding the intention behind trying to fulfill those wants and needs is important. Stress, it's an uncomfortable emotion and there's ways of dealing with it that can improve or diminish the quality of your life. The same goes for relationships.
So let's go back to the messy house. What in your life isn't the way you'd like it to be? What can you improve? What sacrifices need to be made? Remember this, the actions of self-love often precede the feelings of self-love. If you want to feel content, confidence, and joyful then action needs to be taken in order to cultivate that experience in your life.
When we get ourselves in order then we can move out and help others. In fact, we won't only be able to help them, but help them effectively and from a position of security. This is building your life on a sure foundation and that foundation is love.
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Relationships Are Everything
Well that's a bold statement...
I imagine you're thinking to yourself right now, "What could you possibly mean by that Chris? Certainly relationships aren't everything. I have to pay my bills, I have to accomplish my goals, I need to make it on time to this meeting, and I forgot to pack my lunch today. So, what do any of those things have to do with relationships?"
I understand what you're thinking, but bear with me for a moment. They have everything to do with the things mentioned. The common misconception is relationships only deal with the way relate to people, but in reality, the way we relate to anything is everything.
What's your relationship to money?
What's your relationship to time?
What's your relationship to your health?
While these aren't people, we have valuations of each of these and their importance in our life. It's because of how we value these things, the beliefs we have about them, that we act the way we do.
Imagine someone who holds their health in high regard. It's highly unlikely for them to do things that would be detrimental to their health because they value the importance of it. Now imagine someone who believes money is like a game and by winning the game they're helping other people as well as themselves. They'd probably have a lot more fun with money than others who believed money was hard to get.
These relationships are determined by our beliefs and it's our beliefs that create boundaries. If we're not specific on what we want, we get anything. Is it wise to let anyone into your home? Probably not. This is why it's important to know or to have beliefs about what we want from others, from finances, from time, our health, and so much more.
When we understand what we want, we know how to properly relate to the things we do want and don't want in life. This relationship that's formed from our beliefs creates boundaries and these boundaries can serve to protect us, guide us, and sharpen our focus. It's all dependent on how clear we are.
When's the last time you got clear on what you want in life? We all swim in our own emotions and subjectivity. This is why it's valuable to have someone who stands outside the waters of our life and is able to give us a degree of objectivity. This can be a teacher, a mentor, a therapist, or in my case, a coach. Now even as a coach I have coaches who help me to see through the veil of my own subjectivity and emotions to understand the truth about my situations in life.
If you're ready to get clear on your life, I encourage you to find someone that can provide that space for you. Whether that's me or someone else, it doesn't matter. Find someone that you connect with, that can help you to get clarity, so you can orient yourself in life properly, knowing how to relate to the things which matter, and create the boundaries you need in order to thrive.
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